| When our heroes fall and saviors defeated
nothing can stop them...
they are coming...very soon |
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| Couple days ago,
I attempted a suicide...its funny how i went back to that phase just for abit.
It wasnt certainly not the best feeling in the world, now i sit back and think about it, it just makes me chuckle...
After all those years, i thought i was somewhat free from my personal hell.
Obviously that wasn't true at all...i guess it was just a hope within me never to be fufilled
That day i realized that i wasn't a normal human being.
Because i felt something other than human emotion within me, it was rather demonic, devilish...something not human, like an animal
It is hard to describe the rushing emotion at that moment, but it was just not normal.
I wish i can experience that again, not to be in torment but rather trying to control it and perhaps i can revert that negative into positive energy...maybe
I thought about the meaning of insanity. Derangement of the mind...
I think upon my daily life, and it feels like i have several different personalities.
Maybe all that is just me, yet it just doesnt add up, because it is inconsistant.
I can be in a mess with my tears and within couple hours i won't feel a thing and just laugh.
I can laugh while im in tears and agony.
I can careless yet have guilty conscience and care.
I fear death yet i do not.
All these inconsitancy of my mind, just proves to me that i am indeed an insane.
Just to think about this sort of issue, to me this is just ridiculous yet "normal".
In my life i always have two answers for every question asked...i guess it is just how i am.
Do i feel like i need a professional help? sometimes yet i don't want help.
If i was just plain dumb, i wouldnt even care and not think about it.
only i wish i can do that, but i can't.
pity
am i just living a dream? or am i someone else's dream?
is there a parallel life beyond somewhere?
if there is a such a place, would someone like me exist?
Am i just flesh with non-matching soul?
am i just someone's pawn?
WHO AM I?
two answers
1. I am a creation made by God, biologically born from my birth parents...was given name, and grew up with whatever God provided me with...and choices i made with my own choice.
2. I am merely nothing in this world, meaningless human being and the lowest human being possible, mental-case.
i do not like those two answers at all.
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| i must be dreaming
with lack of selfcontrol i have completely lost myself
i must be dying
with poison running through my vein killing me slowly
so tired of running away from you
tired of commitments
tired of i owe you
sick of many things in my life
i guess i should complain, but i can't
its just me with high expectation
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| time to update perhaps
its been a steady ride ever since the breakup
im ok and im sure as hell this will happen more
so i decided to spend my time and money on things that are more concrete
which obviously excludes girls
lol...
making my car to a tuned up super car is my goal right now
some ppl told i shouldnt do it
some ppl say i should
whatever
its what i wanted...i just never really done it...although i did that to my honda civic
but my wrx will be incredible...
WOOT |
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